What's the Time, Dr. Wolf?

3:30pm, my trip to the doc's office.
A few years ago, I had pain in my lower back (posh word for the top of your butt) and hip. Went for x-rays, which showed…well, not a great deal. Bit of a shadow, not much. So off I went for the joy of all joys they call an MRI scan.
Basically, for those of you who have never had an MRI, here's the 10-second overview:

In a hospital gown you get shoved into a tube and subjected to horrendously loud noise for an hour while laying totally still in awkward positions.

Ok, not quite 10 seconds. But that summarises MRI scans.
Luckily for me, having low-grade, high-functioning Asperger's (in laymen's terms, being damned clever and a bit weird) means I like to know everything about everything that happens to me, so I came fully prepared for an MRI. No credit cards, no phones, no metal fixings, socks, metal-free shoes and joggers and a t-shirt. I didn't have to wear a hospital gown, like most people do.
Unfortunately, nowhere did it tell me that I would be in there for an hour. AN HOUR.
And the noise. Ohhh my days the noise. It is like being sat in a metal box while people drill into it and bang on it, no exaggeration. I was given a wonderful (!) pair of ear mufflers to wear to minimise the assault on my ears, but it drove me insane. I started making up songs to it, or regurgitating songs I already knew that fitted with the rhythm and pitch of the MRI scanner. I must say, the theme tune to 'Bob-the-Builder' sounds great with a dubstep-style rhythm and bass track…

Anyway, I went back a few weeks later to see the consultant at the hospital who said I had a "cyst or something" in my right lower back. They weren't entirely sure what it was, so they were sending me back (hahahaha…oh) to have another MRI scan to see if they could figure it out this time.
So yes, you got it, back to the scanner. This time, I got Bee Radio in my ears to try and drown out the MRI sounds. I think I would have preferred the scanner sounds.
It took them about a month to get me another MRI scan. The pain had been decreasing steadily, and actually was pretty much gone by the time I was encased in the tube for the second time. The results came back and the doc said whatever it was had gone.

But a few weeks ago, I realised I was feeling discomfort in my hip while wearing my 'hipster' jeans. The pain in my back was getting steadily worse, and soon enough the pain in my hip was a constant thing again. Same pain. I thought, "must be the same thing". However, it started to get even worse, and the discomfort - i.e. a feeling that something is pressing on my hip bone - was there whatever I was wearing. Dammit, it's even migrated to my left hip. The past three days I haven't slept until at least 3:00am. As an ice-hockey player, cellist, choral singer and pianist + GCSE-year student, I can't afford this. It makes concentration impossible, and along with other symptoms I've been having it is worrying. All I want right now is treatment. My youth choir is going on tour to Paris - more details later! - in summer and I am desperate not to miss out; I haven't missed a tour since I started.

Fingers crossed for a smooth doc trip, a quick MRI and some sort of treatment, be it aspiration for a growing cyst pressing on a nerve, or medication, or something…

Updates to come...
Bye for now,

Liz △

Top Ten Reasons to Feel Good about Being Short

I suppose there are plenty of bad things to being short. 

For instance, I find myself lowering music stands and piano stools everywhere I go because I have to see. I can't reach the ground from most seats. I'm stuck with a 3/4 size cello and never will upgrade to a 4/4 size cello. I have to stretch to span an octave on the piano. Us shorties often get picked on. I haven't reached 5' yet as, at the age of 15, I'm sitting at a pretty dismal height of 4'10". This isn't going to be a cheesy, 'oh-isn't-it-great-to-be-short' thing. 

I'm not even going to mention the 'small spaces' topic. Ohhh no. I cannot stand that, when I complain about being short and some tall person says "Oh but you can fit into small spaces!" as if that's the most exciting thing in the world. I suppose it is for hide-and-seek but for the rest of life? It really isn't anything special.

But being short is. 

Vertically challenged, slightly lower to the ground, fun-sized, compact, shortbread. Whatever you call it. And here are my Top Ten Reasons to Feel Good about Being Short.

***

1. The Discounts when we can pretend we are younger than we are. Usually is an insult, but can be used to our advantage. "Yes, Pizza Hut, I'm 15. Oh, discount for under 12s? Oh..oh..I didn't know! How old did I say I was? I said I was 12..so I'm eligible?! That's fantastic!" ;-)

2. Dynamite comes in small packages, right? People don't expect it. If I say I'm 15, people seem surprised, and say, "Oh, you're small for your age" as if I didn't already know! But eh well, they probably don't realise what a punch I could pack if I wanted to…

3. We are Better for the Environment. Yes, it is true. We have a much smaller carbon footprint than average/tall people of our age. This is a good one for all you knee-high green beans out there. When people complain that the youth of today are the reason for climate change (as they do) then we can just smile sweetly and say "but I'm better for the environment than you" :D

4. Shorter Person, Stronger Bones. A pretty weird but scientifically proven fact that shorter people tend to have thicker bones. This means we are less likely to break our bones, and therefore have an advantage in combat sports, paintball (yes, we do!), speed skating, football, rugby, field hockey, ice hockey..and life in general.

5. Speed depends on your fast/slow twitch muscle fibres, your muscular makeup as a whole and your fitness. But height is such a massive factor in it. Yes, you get short marathon runners, and tall sprinters..but in general, shorter people are faster runners. So if we combine No. 2 with this one, with the disadvantage of being picked on...we can punch them where it hurts, then sprint off before anyone else has the chance to think!

6. Being the Baby of the Group is sometimes diminishing but often fun. People want the opinion of the 'short one' and you can stand on a chair to talk to them without it being a health and safety hazard ;-)

7. We are Less Susceptible to Brain Damage. Alright. That's a lie. But what I mean by that is we can ignore those 'Mind your Head' signs. We don't have to duck at low doorways. We can just grin and walk straight through >:-)

8. Height Restriction? Nah, not me. The only thing I feel cancels out the problem of rides we're too short for, is places we are short enough for! Soft play centres for instance. The warm kiddie pools at swimming baths. Some caving expeditions which go into small caverns with very low ceilings that even we have to bend down for. And what's more, we can make our taller friends jealous as anything by doing this :P

9. We are Cheaper in the long run clothes-wise. Do you know why? Because statistically, people who are under the 5th percentile for their age grow much slower than people who are over the 50th percentile. This may seem depressing at first thought, but think about it in terms of clothes. How often are our taller friends complaining that they've grown out of their favourite sweater/jumper/t-shirt/shorts etc.? But we can stay in ours for longer. Our favourites might still be our favourites 4 years later (yes in my case!) and the same applies to shoes. So we buy less. So we cost less :o

and finally…

10. Let's Make it a Long Life and enjoy every minute because we have a longer life than our taller friends! Of course, this sadly doesn't account for terminal illness or accidents or other out-of-the-mist things but in general, we get longer lives. The chance to be better for longer. Trust me, that's a good thing! :-)

***

Bye for now!

Liz △

Poetry and Old Ideas

I was flicking through my old documents earlier on the computer, seeing if I could find anything I had forgotten about. Ones I had written long ago, flash ideas which seemed great for about ten minutes before the excitement subsided and turned to boredom - hello, Asperger's - and I found tons. Hundreds of documents with names like 'something.txt' and '1111' and 'moo', simply because I couldn't be bothered thinking up proper names for them (God forbid I ever get a job as a secretary), names which are pointless as anything but somehow beg intrigue, spin curiosity within me, implore me to open them just to find out what in this document could possibly have possessed me to give it a name like 'idontcarejustopenthisnowww.txt'.

Usually, it really is just rubbish. And a lot of it.

But interspersed among this rubbish, the 'moo's, 'what's and 'thingy's, I found some poems. I admit, they aren't my best, but I find they are a reminder, a s tark and sometimes painful reminder, of the past.

The good times, the bad times. The ups, the downs.
Memories, fears. Reality, dreams.

Here I have compiled a few for you to read for yourselves.

Make what you will of them. But someday, you will check your computer or that pile of papers or the files in that box somewhere…and you will find things you had forgotten all about.

Enjoy.

***

Fit In/Bit Different

Everyday I try to fit in

To a place where I'm seen as strange and new,

But normal people-don't they read my feelings?

Confusion and fear to name bjust two.

Some they shove me or kick me and hit me,

Some mock my accent, the way I speak,

And now, each time I pass them by,

They bring me down and make my skies bleak.

I can't change the bus I get,

The council says it's not on the cards,

So just for now (though it feels like forever)

I'll have to be tough and strong and hard.

Where I was born, sticking up for ourselves

Was what we were taught to do,

But now I'm told ignoring them works,

And I just don't know what is true.

But when I start singing, my world comes alive,

Each colour so vibrant and clear,

And the bow on the strings makes the whole room resound 

With the tone I just love to hear.

On my drums I drill the rhythm hard,

Race up my ukulele, hitting each fret,

Get on my pattens, scarring the drains;

But because I'm that bit different, this pain is what I get.

***

Mirror Image

I lift my hand up, you lift yours the same,
I reach out to touch you, you copy my move again.
A tear runs down my left cheek, a tear down your right,
And in our silent crying, our wet eyes catch identical light.

Wiping eyes together, we take each other in,
The sameness of our hair, our clothes, our faces, our skin.
Knowing each other's history, the spitting image of our own,
No need for words to be spoken, or emotions to be shown.

Hand down, hand down, we stand there for a while,
And both of us attempt, but never manage, a parting smile.
I turn away, you turn away, our backs face each other now,
I step away, you step away, we know each other's route somehow.

Looking round, the two of us, and close them shut again,
And deep inside the pair of us, we know identical pain.
Mirror images, it feels so strange, and in sudden anger I throw a stone;
And mirror image shatters now,

And I am alone.

***

To the Couple Standing Underneath the Tree

To the couple standing underneath the tree
sheltering from the ceaseless rain:
are you waiting for summer to begin
or for winter to end?

To the couple standing underneath the tree
looking out to the stars:
do you know how special love is?
Do you know how lucky you are?

Every time I pass by you are there
just standing, hesitating.
Oh what I wouldn't do to have as long a life as you:
I wish I had the time you are wasting...

To the couple standing underneath the tree
as the blossom flutters to the ground:
Why do you wait so silently,
never making a sound?

To he who never reaches out his hand
to stroke her hair
to she who never tells him how she loves him
while he's still there
to they who never take a break from the silence
of their day
to kiss - why wait?

One day it might be too late…

To the couple standing underneath the tree
as the light slips away
Can you hear the birds are singing a sad song
as you go your own ways?

I wrote this one as a duet for a musical I started in which the two main characters have terminal illnesses. They are in love, but neither knows the other's feelings yet, and from their hospital rooms they see this couple always coming to the same tree, every single day, only ever talking. This is the part where they are both looking out of their respective rooms together and they sing this song and in doing so finally come to realise that they should tell each other how they feel.
However, the last line is poignant as only a minute later the girl crashes (she stops breathing) and the boy realises maybe it wasn't just too late for the couple underneath the tree…it might be too late for him.

***

NaCl/The Salt Song

We went to the sea to mine for Au,
We went to the limits to sift the whole thing through
We went from the smallest ponds to the H2O of hell,
But all we found was NaCl

We went to the market in a seaside town,
We set up a stall to sell what we had found,
We told the local shoppers and the tourists as well
how all we'd found was NaCl

Back to the sea, and the H2O of hell,
Five years on from when we first began to sell,
We'd been in all the papers, and the radio as well...
...and still we found the NaCl,

all we found was NaCl

***

Well, there's a few. But not all!
Expect more some time in the future.
Bye for now!

Liz △